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I think I’m a writer
at heart, or rather, soul. As my current project I was going through my
filing cabinets, purging things I’ve had tucked away for who-know-how-long,
and I have found a lot (several folders full) of my creative writing.
I also have, elsewhere (another project to go through) a box of journals.
I think I started keeping them off and on around the fifth grade. I began
to wonder why I write so much. I think it is in order to explain me to
myself.
Skimming my poetry, and setting it aside
to type and save on a CD ROM disc (another new project) I see some creative
imagery, but also a lot of introspection. I have, in the past, tried
meditating, feeling it was important to try to find the inner me, what
I mean to myself, my beliefs…my core. It never seemed to work. It has just
occurred to me, 25 years into my life, that perhaps I don’t need the candles,
the quiet music the lying still on the bed trying to relax my entire body
and clear my mind. Perhaps I just need a pen and paper. I write to release
my soul, to discover who I am.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not closing my
eyes and doing that automatic writing exercise, where you let the pen
do what it will, calling on whatever may be present in you. Rather, I
figure things out on paper. I go through my thoughts, my mind, my soul,
step by step I pick up the pieces, turn them over in my hands as I examining
them in words, and place these pieces in a (hopefully) logical place in
myself where I can find it again later. I write to get to know me.
Well, I’ve decided, once I begin that
monumental task of typing all my handwritten prose, I’m going to select
bits of my soul that I don’t mind sharing, and placing them on my writings
page. And this writing- it started out as a write for myself, but I decided
to invite an audience. Welcome to a little piece of my soul.
I think I’m going to try to write something,
anything, for my website and change it out every week or two. It may
be soul-searching, it may be a strong statement of my beliefs, it may
be silly prose I come up with on a bad afternoon, but I have decided to
invite you to join me in my life-long quest to understand myself.
Written 7-August-2002
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