I went to the doctor today for a followup on how my anti-depressants are working. Not as well as I’d like – even with the higher dosage I still had almost two weeks worth of days in the three months where the depression either had me on the edge of tears, or not wanting to do anything.

So starting tomorrow I am trying out a different anti-depressant, one that does different things to impact the chemicals in my brain. Hopefully this one will work better.

As I was leaving the doctor, my depression, perhaps desperate to keep things at the status quo where it has at least some control (yes, now I’m personifying it), started to lie to me again. It told me that the only reason the first anti-depressant didn’t work is because I didn’t do enough other things to help make it work. I didn’t try significantly changing my diet, or sleep patterns, or exercise patterns, and if I’d only done one or all of these, it would have worked.

It also tried telling me the new anti-depressant won’t work, for the same reasons. That I have failed, and will continue to fail to do the things that are the unspoken secret tricks that other people with depression all do to make their medication work for them.

Now I do acknowledge that these changes to my lifestyle and habits could only benefit me in the long run. But, they are not the reason I continue to feel sad and helpless, and unmotivated to do anything. I know this, and have my fingers crossed this new medication will work better for me.

Oh, and depression, your pants are on fire.

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September 2014