i’ve noticed something in myself the past several days

i am finding it difficult to keep eye contact with (or even looking at the face of) the people i am talking to

i’ve noticed i’m doing it not only with the in-person interactions i have engaged in, but also in video conversations online

friends, family, cashiers, everyone – i am having trouble meeting their gaze for more than a few moments before my eyes flit away again, as if there is something more important elsewhere

or like i am painfully shy

i don’t like this feeling – not meeting people’s eyes definitely has an impact on how i am viewed by them, but also on how i feel about my interaction with them

i feel like i am shutting in on myself, trying to hide from them

coincidentally (or not) i started on a new dose of my antidepressant over the weekend

i hope to the powers that be that this is not a side effect, or at least not one i have to learn to live with

it is true that lately i have been feeling like i want to curl up in on myself, but this inferiority in interactions with, well, everyone, is not something i can stand in the long run

so i try to bring my eyes back to people as we talk, and i try to notice each time it happens – something to tell my psychiatrist about on our next visit, and something to keep an eye on to keep a bad habit from forming

i don’t want to live life with eyes averted

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January 2015